It's a me!

The Blobber

New Member
Oct 1, 2023
I love Mario Bros. and have written a short story about them. I figure this happens just before they go to the mushroom kingdom and hope you enjoy.

It was a job, just like any other. A blocked toilet. Nothing difficult about it, nothing to worry about for THE MARIO BROTHERS! They were famed all throughout New York. Well, in Mario's mind they were. Reality would soon follow. If you had a plumbing problem, they would help.

The house sat on it's own in a quiet neighborhood, an expensive neighborhood. It was an old, Georgian mansion. Tall and stately.

"One-a day, Luigi, my brother. We will own a house just-a like this!" Mario told his brother Luigi, as they got out of the Mario-mobile. It was a simple van, which Mario had spray painted "Mario Bros. Plumbing" on.

He checked his dungaree pocket, making sure his multi-wrench was there. It was really the only tool he needed. It didn't matter if it was the only one he knew how to use. Luigi, equally as deranged as his brother, nodded sagely.

"One-a day, Mario," he replied. "And we will have a princess fit for such a castle!"

Dreams sustained the Mario brothers. They both felt they were destined for greatness, they knew their time would come.

They were welcomed at the door by a prim old lady, who lead them to the bathroom. She told them how her husband had blocked the toilet and was unable to clear it. She wasn't sure where he was now, but he would be along shortly to talk to them no doubt.

"You no worry, Mrs," Mario said, picking a piece of lint from his chest. "We will fix everything."

The old lady left them alone in the bathroom. Mario and Luigi stood side by side staring at the porcelain beast before them. Mario figured his trusty multi-wrench wouldn't quite cut it this time and looked around for inspiration. In one corner was a cupboard and he opened it, found a stock of bathroom supplies, toilet paper, soap, towels. Hanging on a hook behind the door was a coat (on a coat-hanger). And next to the toiletries was a roll of plastic bin bags. Plumbing genius that he was, Mario came up with a plan. He took the coat down and unraveled the wire coat-hanger. Luigi stood staring at the toilet, his mind blissfully blank. Next, Mario took the bin bags and rolled a few up into a ball. He looped the coat-hanger around the bags and made a crude plunger.

"Here, Luigi," he called out, startling his brother from a daze in which he thought he'd seen the toilet move. "Take this and get to work."

Luigi pointed at himself. "Me?" He looked surprised. "But you said I wasn't allowed to touch things anymore."

That was true, Mario had said that, after Luigi had gotten his head stuck in a pipe at their last job.

"Well, you're my brother. I forgive you. And you have the skills for the job."

A smile sprang up on Luigi's face, so happy was he at hearing his brother speak so highly of him. He took the makeshift plunger whilst Mario moved to the window and pulled it open.

"Get to work then," he called out, as he took a pouch of tobacco from inside his dungarees and rolled himself a cigarette. When it was done he leaned out of the window and lit it, savoring that first inhalation.

Behind him, Luigi went to work with the makeshift plunger. He pushed it down into the bowl and felt it slip easily into the u-bend. He was just about to say that the toilet didn't feel blocked at all when the toilet trembled, he saw little concentric rings spread out on the water. Then all at once, two eyes blinked open on the cistern and swiveled to fix him with a malevolent gaze. The lid seemed to develop teeth at the same time and it clamped down upon Luigi's arm, the teeth drawing blood.

Luigi screamed, tried to pull his arm out, but the teeth tore into his flesh and he stopped.

Mario, hearing the commotion, looked down. Couldn't he just enjoy a simple smoke for once? Why did Luigi have to be so dramatic. Probably a bit of toilet water had splashed onto him again. Last time that happened, it had taken Mario three days to calm his brother down.

"Mariooooo!" He heard his brother call his name.

"It's-a just water, Brother," he said back, exasperated.

He could hear Luigi really going at it with the toilet plunger, screaming all the while. Mario enjoyed his smoke and tried to ignore his brother. Luigi had always been special and he’d promised Mama he’d take care of him, but sometimes, sometimes he just wanted to ‘take care’ of him.

Something about the pitch of Luigi’s screams suddenly changed and Mario turned around.

A wave of shock hit him when he saw the demonic toilet, red eyes glaring evilly. Luigi, his arm trapped in it’s razor toothed maw was struggling to get away. Mario immediately ran to his brother and tried to pull him away. He heard muffled chuckles from the toilet mixed with watery gurgles of pleasure. Mario strained with all his might, while his brother screamed bloody murder and then suddenly they both went flying back and landed in a heap. Luigi was free. Mario stood up and looked at the toilet, pulled out his trusty wrench. The monstrous porcelain beast was chomping noisily on something and Mario looked down at his brother. Luigi’s arm was gone. Just gone. Strands of linguine poured from the gaping wound of his shoulder. He looked pale, clammy. He clutched at his missing arm.

“Mario,” he cried. “Look at what they did to me, Mario.”

Mario gazed in horror. How could this be?

“LOOK AT ME, MARIO!” Luigi screamed.

The old lady opened the bathroom door and Mario saw her peek her head round the side. She took in everything with her eyes, smiled at Mario and slowly closed the door. He heard a bolt slide into place. They were trapped.

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