Sonic and the Secret Rings Review

Jack Lovejoy

Well-Known Member
Joined
Jan 23, 2016
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From
California (Originally from Korea)
Playing
Wii
Hey guys, let's look at a game called Sonic and the Secret Rings.
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This is kind of a weird game because game critics say it is a decent game, while the community says it is a steaming pile of crap. It is one of those games that is not critically panned, but....... communally panned? Well, let's see if it is really Sonic's worst nightmare.

Well, I have to say I like the cutscenes as they are not exactly cutscenes, but they are like illustrations of manga or storybooks, which is pretty nice. The story is meh, but now let's look at the real gameplay......

The first thing you see in the first level is that the graphics look much more improved, but the textures and lighting look a bit bad. Nonetheless, it still is passable. But I don't see anything wrong with the game from it's presentation, let's go! (Sonic falls off ledge)
[Jack]: Wait, Why did sonic fall to the right? I just pressed the d-pad to go forward.
(Sonic falls off ledge again)
[Jack]: WHY DID I FALL AGAIN?!

Well, it turns out you have to use the wiimote tilting to move...... YES, THIS GAME USES THE F##KING MOTION CONTROL! Also, in this game, Sonic keeps moving forward, almost nothing can stop him. Literally, I can't get him to stop, he just goes forward like in an endless runner game. Come on sega, Is this a platform game or temple run game? MAKE UP YOUR MIND.

Since he keeps going forward, once you run into a wall with spikes, game over. Also, the camera fixes itself on Sonic, so he can't see what is behind him. So if you missed something back in the stage, you have to go backwards using the back flip. This is very hard to do so you might as well
START FROM THE GODDAMN START AGAIN (breathes in) THANK YOU F##KING SEGA, WE APPRECIATE YOUR HIGH ON CRACK DECISIONS!!

The songs in this game can get really repetitive and some of the lyrics of the songs... aren't really lyrics. See, here is Who Will Rock the Place's lyrics for Evil Foundry:

If truly free be stopped never through all that's happening

Who is gonna rock the place (place, place)

Who is gonna rock the place (place, place)

Who is gonna rock the place (place, place)

Who is gonna rock the place

There is no one that can touch this

Who is gonna rock the place

We are forever gonna rock the place

Who is gonna rock the place

All together gonna rock the place

Who is gonna rock the place

We are forever gonna rock the place

Who is gonna rock the place

There is no one that can touch this


This evil foundry


Who is gonna rock the place (place, place)

Who is gonna rock the place (place, place)

Who is gonna rock the place (place, place)

We are forever gonna rock the place

Who is gonna rock the place

All together gonna rock the place

Who is gonna rock the place

We are forever gonna rock the place

Who is gonna rock the place

All together gonna rock the place

There is no one that can touch this

Who is gonna rock the place (place, place)

Who is gonna rock the place (place, place)

Who is gonna rock the place (place, place) Who is gonna rock the place

Who is gonna rock the place

Who is gonna rock the place

Who is gonna rock the place (place, place) Who is gonna rock the place Who is gonna rock the place

Who is gonna rock the place

All together gonna rock the place

Who is gonna rock the place

We are forever gonna rock the place

There is no one that can touch this

Who is gonna rock the place (place, place)

Who is gonna rock the place (place, place)

Who is gonna rock the place (place, place)

Who is gonna rock the place

There is no one that can touch this

Who is gonna rock the place

We are forever gonna rock the place

Who is gonna rock the place

All together gonna rock the place

Who is gonna rock the place

We are forever gonna rock the place

Who is gonna rock the place

There is no one that can touch this

Yeah, this is the song, guess HOW MANY F##KING TIMES THEY SAID "ROCK THE PLACE" IN THIS SONG?!?!
5 STARS, BEST SONG EVER (blows kisses). This is one of the worst songs I have ever heard T_T. I know Sonic Team can do better than this s##t!

[Jack]: (Sings angrily) WHO IS GOING TO ROCK THE PLACE?! WHO IS GOING TO ROCK THE PLACE?! WHO IS GOING TO MAKE THE SONG SHUT THE F##K UP AND STOP SEGA FROM SNORTING COKE SO MUCH?!

(sighs) Sorry about that, now let's get into the missions. The missions are never explicitly stated on which ones are necessary or not. Most of the missions are usually pointless and I don't even know why. Couldn't it just have been finish everything in one piece and just get on with the main mission without any interruptions?

Also, let me talk about the controls, man they are awful. The only good things that are responsive are the homing attack and tilting left or right. In the 2d sections, I don't even know how to move correctly, so they can just go f##k themselves.

Let's talk about the shop, you can buy extra upgrades for your moves like a stronger homing attack, and... wait, better control? better control??
BETTER F##KING CONTROL!?!?!?!?!?!??!

So the clunky controls in the first place were intentional?! Why couldn't I have the better control in the first place!? (Throws Sonic and the Secret Rings into the fireplace in anger.)

[Jack]: And wait, Shantae? What are you doing here?
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[Jack]: No, no, it can't be... Hey! Hey! Don't try having a relationship with Sonic!
[Shantae]: I cant! Sega forced me to change my name to f##king Shahra and they are telling me to be with him! Put me out of my misery! I don't want to have a hedgehog as a boyfriend!
[Sonic]: Eh, I started an outbreak from my kiss with Elise. So who will care?

Anyway, this game gets 2.3/10. THIS IS A PILE OF JUNK LIKE EVERYONE SAYS! HOW CAN CRITICS LOOK AT THIS AND SAY IT IS OK?!?!?!

I DONT UNDERSTAND
 
No one understands lol. I hadn't played this game, guess now I've got good reasons to stay clear.
 
I gotta say these reviews are pretty entertaining. If you made a Youtube channel and acted this like Jontron would i would be sure to check it out.
 
Yeah, thanks, but I dont want to show my voice or face to anyone out there. My voice sounds like Nicholas Cage drowning in wine (Which I wish would happen to him) and my face is a mystery nobody would want to see. Also I don't know why my Phoenix Games review isnt getting so hot lately. Can you check it out? (psst, have fun torturing yourself when you see the games XD)
 
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