Twilight 2008 (Movie Time!)

Jack Lovejoy

Well-Known Member
Jan 23, 2016
California (Originally from Korea)
Hey, it is Jack here with another episode of Movie Time! Here, I bash on horrible movies that seem like abominations that came straight outta hell. So this time, I will do Twilight, the unholy abomination of a romance.

To read this roasting, you have to rightclick the link to the movie here and press open link in new tab:

Then, move the tab out of the screen and make it a dual screen, so you can read along with this roast while you are watching the movie.

Here is an example:

Enjoy the bashing~

We start off with the first line of the film:
[Bella]: I have never given much thought on how I would die.
[Jack]: Wow, that's the first line? I can already tell Kristen Stewart is self aware of how this film would turn out to be XD.

We start with the main character Bella, or I would like to call her Little Ms. Woodenboard since her main character trait is being completely bland and having little to no facial expressions. So, Little Ms. Woodenboard moves in with her family in Forks Washington. Her father is a POLICE OFFICER WHO PARKS HIS CAR ON THE FRONT YARD GRASS. Best officer ever....

After Bella meets Jacob Black, the same person who played Sharkboy, she goes on her first day to her brand new school.

[Kids in school]: Hey, you are Isabella, right?
[Jack]: Wait, how do they know her immediately when she just came to a new school? Is there something I am missing here?

[Jessica]: Hey, you are from Arizona right?
[Bella]: Yeah.
[Jessica]: Aren't people from Arizona supposed to be like really tan?
[Bella]: Yeah, maybe that's why they kicked me out.
[Jessica]: (Horrible fake laughter)
[Jack]: Alright, so why would you assume Bella is from Arizona if you think people from Arizona are supposed to be tan and she isn't tan? Was the script written by a f##king chimpanzee?

Anyway, when Bella goes to Biology class, she meets up with Edward Cullen, the sexy vampire that apparently is more bleak and emotionless than Ms. Woodenboard and he likes to stare. Seriously, he just stares at Bella the whole class period, it is kinda unsettling. That same emotionless stare is when a sexual predator is about to strike isn't it?

The next few days, Bella wants to see what is wrong with Edward. But in Biology class, Edward starts to take more interest in Bella. After their little talk in Biology, she leaves and a car is about to miraculously kill Little Miss Woodenboard, come on, let this end already!
(Edward gets in and blocks the car)
[Jack]: Oh come on! Also, why are the people only focused on Bella not getting killed? Did they just ignore the fact that Edward stopped a car with his bare hands?

Then, Bella and the driver get rushed to the hospital. Bella then just asks Edward how he stopped the car.

[Bella]: Please tell me the truth, I need to know
[Edward]: Maybe you can say thank you and get over it (Thug Life)
[Bella]: Thank you.
[Jack]: Wow, she is just going to give up that easily?

The next day, she goes to a botanical garden with Edward and he still is a total bitch towards her. Come on Bella, think for yourself! After more awkward conversations for the sake of stretching out the length of the film, Bella finally figures out that Edward is a vampire and so Edward takes her up the mountain at superspeed (AKA greenscreening over a background with cheesy special effects) Edward then starts to show off to Bella his special skills and tells her to stop being friends with him since he says that her blood is so good that he cannot resist to drink it. And woah, Edward can you calm down? Your sexual beast doesn't need to be seen on the screen for the fangirls. Yet, Bella STILL LIKES HIM. He is a motherf##king vampire, why are you saying it is ok for him to suck your blood and kill you? Oh yeah, because the first line of the movie.

Later, she gets asked out by Edward to have dinner with his family.

[Bella]: What if they don't like me?
[Edward]: So, you are not worried that you will be in a house full of vampires, but you are worried whether they approve of you.
[Jack]: See, even Edward thinks Bella is a stupid bitch

After Bella comes to his house.... Uh, hey, aren't there too many windows to expose sunlight for vampires?
Anyway, the family members introduce themselves to Bella and the two go on a game until enemy vampires come. The enemy vampires then start to hiss when they smell that Bella is prey and their hiss sounds soft, Too soft in fact.

After the enemy vampires leave, Edward rushes Bella back home in order to get her dad to get out of town. However, Bella leaves her dad there... even though that is the reason she came there. One of the enemy vampires finds Bella and he starts to... Oh, OH STOP IT! THAT IS SEXUAL ASSAULT, THIS IS GETTING TOO WEIRD, CUT THE FILM!

Edward luckily comes to save Bella and the Enemy Vampire starts to fight him with aerial wire cord tricks. Bella unfortunately gets bit and she starts to act like she is giving birth. Edward has to save her by removing the venom from her, but goes overboard and starts sucking her blood. Bella then wakes up in a hospital and she goes to the prom with Edward, EVEN THOUGH HE ALMOST KILLED HER, BELLA STILL LIKES HIM!

We then end the movie, honestly, this is one of the cheesiest puddles of romance I have seen in my life. I am guessing the writer just thinks: Have a sexy vampire, it will automatically be good in a movie. Well, lets give a little homage to Twilight:

Did you like my movie time review? If so, please leave a like and comment below. And don't hate me you butthurt Twilight fans.
Okay I dont want to hate on the female race or anything like that, but I have indeed met women who act like Bella does. Lol.

Great review.

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